i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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