kristin has been a bad kristin
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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