apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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