so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The ass gains better be worth it
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