I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize