soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
