So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
