I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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