woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
