for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
