just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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