I cannot find my penis.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
