Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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