you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
