I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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