Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
