I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
