Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize