is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
