I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just pee around me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
how drunk are you?
Several
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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