winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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