i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize