I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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