I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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