shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
