Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
