I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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