you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
