I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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