I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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