if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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