everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
