What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
