either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm too high and old for this...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
