So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think my vagina is haunted
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Best friends brother. Beat that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
