Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
