Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
