just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
time to smoke my breakfast
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
