Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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