Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
