I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
