i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
