if i can run in heels then i can drive
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
