i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize