i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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