If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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