Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
