I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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