I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
