Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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