enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
