She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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