pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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