It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
