last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
