I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
