Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
